The Secret To Love | Relationship Advice For Women By Mat Boggs

Matt Boggs: Hey this is Matt Boggs and today
I want to talk to you about a secret to finding love in your life. And here’s the secret, it’s welcome the work. Now what do I meant by that? There’s a mind set that we can get in that
actually tends to sabotage us when it comes to finding love, and that mindset I see a
lot in individuals that I’m speaking to or coaching, and that’s this mindset that love
should be easy, love should just fall in your lap, you should just be walking down the street
one day and the person of your dreams walks up to you, says hi and you exchange information
and then that’s it. Then you’re in the relationship that you love,
and it should just be easy and feel easy and that we shouldn’t have to work at it. And if we’re actually working at love, it
somehow means that we’re not attractive. It somehow means that we’re of lower value. It somehow means that it actually eats away
at our self-esteem. I want to challenge that mindset. Because it’s very interesting. Anything great that you’ve achieved in your
life, and I know you’ve achieved amazing levels of success in your life in all kinds of areas
from the ability to walk … you’re a walker, you use the potty … I’ve got a two year
old daughter, right? She learned how to walk, now she’s learning
to potty. Those are massive accomplishments if you think
about where you started. But the education that you have, the job that
you have, the things that you have achieved that have been great, I bet you’ve had to
work at those things. I bet you have set a goal, and then you invested
in that. Just consider your education for a moment. How much you studied, you showed up to class,
you invested. If you went to college or beyond, you invested
tens of thousands of dollars in a particular goal that you wanted for your life. Well, what’s available to us is, if we take
that same level of focus and that same level of dedication, and that same level of effort
and energy and apply it to our love life, everything can shift. How do I know? Because I’ve been working with women over
10 years, and there are women that will come into my program who’ve been single for years,
for decades, even. They begin to apply these principles. They focus. They begin to do the work. They welcome that work, and everything begins
to shift for themselves. I was talking to a friend of mine the other
day, a woman who’s dating, and she’s telling me how she’s doing the work and she’s not
getting the results that she wants immediately and how she started to feel frustrated. So I taught her a principle about how do you
welcome the work. How do you transcend that feeling of frustration
into motivation. So I told her about a book called Man’s Search
For Meaning that was written by Viktor Frankl. He was in the concentration camps in Nazi
Germany. He talked about the difference between those
who survived and those who didn’t. This is a man who’s entire family was murdered. His wife was murdered, his children were murdered. He was the last one alive in his family. He’s a doctor, and he ended up writing his
notes and turning his notes into a book. He had wrote it on toilet paper and hid it
under one of the beds. The Nazis found it and looked at it and burned
it, so he had to start over from scratch and wrote it again. In this book, he describes those who survive
versus those who didn’t survive, and two distinct mindsets. Those who didn’t survive, and it wasn’t just
those who were killed, but those who didn’t survive, he said, “They weren’t able to create
any meaning out of the pain that they were in.” Versus those who did survive attached meaning
to the pain. The meaning they gave it was that they were
going to survive so that they could tell this story so that other people would never have
to go through the same level of suffering again. They were going to survive for that purpose,
for that goal in mind. And when they attached a meaning, then the
pain that they were in took on a whole different experience. Because in life, you and I, we will experience
pain. But suffering is optional. What’s the difference between pain and suffering? The difference is the meaning that we attach
to the experience that we’re in. So, if you’re putting work into something
and you’re not seeing the results immediately, what meaning are you willing to give that
effort that can carry you forward and fuel your motivation? So I worked with my friend on creating some
meaning for herself that was going to really empower her. She was describing how frustrating it was
to sit through all the guys online, and I’m sure you know what I’m talking about when
you go online and you sift through all the guys that you don’t want online, the guys
who are holding up fish in their profile photos, right? Or the guys who are just drinking beer and
showcasing how much they can drink. Or the guys who are snuggling with their dog
and making out with their dog. Or the guy who has a giant beard. Or worst yet, the guy who has taken a shirtless
selfie. It’s just like, “Guys, where is my man?” So what meaning can we give this exercise
to actually make it mean something and to make it worth it? I told my friend, “Imagine this. Imagine you are in the online dating jungle.” You’re in this jungle, and what if it was
your job to cut through this jungle and make it to the other side because your man is on
the other side. He’s working towards you, and he is praying
that you don’t lose hope. He’s praying that you keep moving forward,
that you keep working towards him, that you’re able to make it through the bad dates and
you’re able to make it through the rejections so that you can find him and he can find you,
knowing that every rejection you face, every bad date you go on, every moment you spend
looking for each other is making you a better version of yourself. So that, when you finally cut your way through
this jungle and you finally meet each other, you are a better version of yourself than
you are today. And that you’re going to be the best partner
you can be because life is going to throw you some storms and you’re going to be stronger
together because of the work, the conditioning that you did on yourselves so that you could
meet each other. What if that was part of the meaning? That you could actually grow yourself, that
you could become a stronger version of yourself. And my friend said, “I love that idea. I’m going to take this on like I’m conditioning
myself. I’m making myself stronger.” And she said, “I go to the gym, and I know
that when I work out, the moment my muscles start to grow are the moment that I start
to feel the burn.” So she says, “I’m taking this on as a way
to improve myself, and I’m willing to welcome the work in an effort of meeting the man of
my dreams to become the best version of myself.” And I love this idea. This is available for you and for me, that
when we want something great in our life, let us work for it. Let us create it and let us welcome that work,
because it’s reasons that preceded results, and when you have the right reasons, you will
fuel yourself to create some amazing results in your life. So let this be your year for love. This is your time. This is your moment. Take it on like you would take on any major
goal in your life, and you’re going to create something phenomenal. So I’ve got a question for you. What’s a success that you’ve achieved in your
life that you’re proud of, that it actually took work to achieve this success? Go ahead and post a comment in the comment
section below. It’s actually a healthy thing when we recount
our successes and the things that we’re proud of. Go ahead and post that comment below. And if you’re not subscribed to this channel,
click subscribe, because each and every week we post a video that will empower you and
inspire you and help you expand the love in your life. And to serve you in understanding the hearts
and minds of men, I’ve created a great free resource for you. I’ll link it up in the video and in the description
below. It’s a complimentary resource that will help
you understand men in a much deeper way. Go ahead and grab that. It’s a gift from me to you. Thanks so much for watching. I’ll see you soon.

67 thoughts on “The Secret To Love | Relationship Advice For Women By Mat Boggs

  1. Wow, where do I begin?
    1) Failing grad school the first time, and using an ENTIRE YEAR to study and work on not just passing, but excelling well in my grad program.

    2) When I took on an investment one year, and it ate up my total savings. The investment failed on me, and I had student loans as well as credit card debt. It was really hard for me to find a job one year, but once I did, I used pretty much the entirety of my first 9 paychecks to pay them off.

    3) My dream trip to Brazil. For ten years I've been wanting to go to Rio. Initially, I never really took action to do so. About four years ago, when the investment that failed, ate up my savings, I felt like like that dream was a super-far distant fantasy. Once I got my job, and paid off my debts, I started saving up for Brazil. I saved to take Portuguese lessons, which I took for seven months prior to me going. On the note of Portuguese lessons, I worked on it 4-5 days a week, every week until I left. I also worked on finding the right materials (travel books, history books, videos/dvds/movies) about the country so that I know where to go, what to do, and understand how significant a specific landmark is. I also had to find an agent to help me get a Brazilian visa, which would've taken me weeks closer my departure date had I done it myself.

    If I hadn't done the work, I honestly don't know what I'd be doing right now

  2. Matt it's like you have psychic vision, I was just sitting here overthinking, there is a guy I just met and I was praying he is normal. I agree with you and I'm ready to put in the work.
    The 5 I am grateful and succeed in as follows:

    1. Growing an incredible humanbeing who will contribute to the world in a positive way (My son)
    2. Obtaining a grammar school scholarship for him to have the best in education.
    3. Loving myself completely and growing with the challenges of life.
    4. My business I make people happy and healthy and I am practicing what I preach.
    5. Looking after everyone that I hold dare.

    Your video's and blog is helping to become more confident and happy in achieving the love life I deserve.
    Thank you!!!

  3. an accomplishment I'm proud of is having completed 7 years of schooling to obtain my bachelor's in nursing, despite my personal struggle in a 14 year relationship that eventually ended. I was so close to the end when for a brief moment I'd given up and was going to fail my last semester and attempt to graduate the following year instead of that spring. all because I was to overwhelmed and focused on my relationship falling apart. I somehow, somewhere gained the courage, the drive, energy, motivation, the focus to not give up on myself. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, went to each of my professors and shared my personal struggle. I asked that if it was not too late to catch up and graduate, that I would do all the work I had to do, if they would allow me the opportunity…. and, so I did! I'll never forget the painful memory of nearly giving up on myself, my goals, my focus. of not having anything more left in me, no energy, no drive. of feeling more love for someone else, rather than myself. I am so thankful now. I am so very blessed.

  4. I have so.much to give as I was so blessed in having been married to an awesome man years ago…..he moved on and got married again to an awesome woman……I have relocated to the coast and this is where I found out who I really was….My life was rich and full and the kids were also excelling I loved being a DJ at a Christian radio station and I was blessed to run a coffee shop at church that was giving meaning to my life as I got to add value to so many different peoples lives and then I got to be a drama teacher at a high school and had no formal education but I got to write a play and teach the children to perform and grow up at the same time ….this was absolute bliss

  5. no no no!
    love comes
    it's called falling in love
    you're wrong!
    what you say is true
    Falling in love is different!
    work at some thing is good
    But FALLING IN LOVE is NOT part of work…

  6. Last year i decided to loose weight. I committed to 1200 cal a day and I used an app Fitness Pall to record all I ate. First 2 weeks were hard but it got easier as I developed a habit of logging and being mindful of when I ate. I started the gym too. I am not 20lbs lighter and feeling so accomplished!

  7. had my lightbulb moment, your right need to embrace the hard and dark. thanks for your insights. 💛💙💚❤

  8. My Name Is Phyllis I Was Born In 1957 With CERBREAL PALSY AND CONFINED To A WHèELCHAIR But I Don't Let That Stop ME FROM LIVINGL My Life But I can't FIND THE Person For me

  9. You know that makes perfect sense! One of my greatest achievement was starting my own business and getting my first customer. Yes it took a lot of failures and disappointments but I always saw it as life lessons. When people see what you went through and how you came out of it get them inspired to do great things.

  10. I so appreciate this video. I just read a book that referenced Mr Frankl and his options on "meaning" in life. I was stuck working in retail management for YEARS, and couldn't get out. I went to school, but couldn't finish because I had to work. I also didn't even really know what I wanted to go to school for. But about four years ago, I worked as a retail associate in a beauty shop / spa. I was introduced to esthetics. I fell in love with the spa, how educated and respected the estheticians were, and how much potential money they would make. It was in an industry that I loved too…BEAUTY. So with much sacrifice and dedication, I chose to go back to school. I was at a desk directly in front of the teacher eager to learn and grow every day. I had to give up my place, I didn't have a car, I lived with my mother the whole time in school, and it was very VERY hard but I graduated in exactly 8 months, immediately took my state boards, passed with flying colors, got a great job at one of the most exclusive spas in the city (in which I still can't even believe to this day) and now I wake up so happy to go to work and serve everyday. I knew that there was a better life out there for me. I just had to figure out what it was that I wanted to do…that's the meaning I placed on my life, and with all of the reading about relationships and understanding man, trying to even understand myself I know that one day I'll meet someone who will really really love me. With all the WORK im willing to put in. thank you for your encouragement I feel so much more confident after religiously viewing your information and videos. God bless you 💖

  11. I finished medical school and now I'm a young doctor 🙂 … but in order for that i did some specific things. i wish life would come with life instructions as well, specific things to do in order to achive something 🙂 medicine was easy lol

  12. You are absolutely amazing ! i admire your work i can't miss a video … my greatest accomplishment was becoming a straight A student in math🙄 but that has nothing to do with love …
    but i have this problem , i'm i love with this guy , we're in a relationship but he doesn't give me .. attention and sometimes i feel like someone else is on his mind . how am i supposed to handle this ? i can't and don't want to move on so how can i make him love me .. i tried so many things "HELP"

  13. MAT! Thanks a lot. The story with the djungle is so great and gives a lot of hope and motivates to continue. One of my greatest challenges has been to find my true self in watching my thoughts and fears and improving my life in meditating each day on self-love. Looking forward to seeing your next video! 🐣

  14. Hello math thank you so much for you videos they were so helpful for me, I hope someday you make a video about How to deal with long distance relationship if you can

  15. I am proud of myself for raising my children despite being a single woman to be respectful of themselves and others as well as to encourage them to go after their dreams without fear. This year my oldest graduated with her high school diploma and with a special honor.

  16. Hi Matt, thanks for the video. I accomplished a very hard task, migrated to Australia when I was 33 yo even thought my life style were cover I was in search of adventures and traveling. I became citizen in 2005 pass for many relationships. .. still looking for Mr Right feeling really tired of on-line dating now days. I will be 50 next week still alone but not lonely, my work here in Sydney very stable public servant. Enjoy a lot what this country has given me just trying to live each day at the time, and learning for my pain to make sure happiness is not in others but in myself. I am a warrior for everything I have achieve and especially I believe in myself, with the faith one day I will find Mr Right.

  17. Big Thank you Mat for such a powerful and inspiring line -welcome the work!!! so simple yet so true and applicable in so many different spheres of our lives!!!

  18. I'm happy I decided to stay single a number of years because I am a better person because of it. It's like I redefine intimacy or how to feel intimate. Every relationship before then has been superficial. That is, I barely felt anything deeper or more meaningful with whomever I was with. In fact, I was never fully present. I thought about what to do next, dirty dishes or even questioning the legitimacy of the relationship, you name it. I stayed in my thoughts. Things like holding hands meant nothin. I laughed when conversations became a bit more serious to avoid deeply involving my feelings. As I look back now, I've perspectives about how to be more open. This happened only as a result of being single. The other day I was signin up for a gym membership. In the middle of our conversation, the trainer stopped then said, 'you are honest.' I never realized I'd spoken organically when I was no longer in my head. I never tried to read his mind or thrive to seem cool. Matter of fact, I never cared. I left feeling closer to this stranger, and I'm sure the same for him even though I'd met him under twenty minutes. I'm also more joyful, bubbly like the old me during all of my interactions.

    I think something magical happens on the inside when we do our work rather than expect someone else to do them for us.
    I believe my next relationship will be a thrill which I pray would be my last, because it means more to hold hands now than before. And I will be fine even if that relationship isn't.

  19. Every time that I watch one of your videos, I know that I'm going to be taking away a valuable lesson, that pushes me to think and grow. Thank you so much!!

  20. Hi Mat! Thank you for this video. I am happy with how my partner and I communicate. We are in a long distance relationship and we worked hard, even through the pains of miscommunication to have an honest and open way to communicate. It's not perfect and there are things we still need to work on but I am very happy that we are working to make it better 🙂

  21. the best and greatest thing that I've done in my life and i'm so proud of myself for it was learning English. I started learning English when i was 8 years old and i was the youngest in my class and i didn't even know my own language's grammar yet and I've put so much effort in it and i still do and learning English changed my life forever in a way that u can't even imagine. it's just that when i can understand every single word that you're saying while none of my friends and people around me is able to it, it makes me so proud of myself for enduring those hard years and get to this point.

  22. I went through the Apprenticeship with Newport News Shipbuilding and became a certified sheet metal mechanic. Those 4 years were very interesting to say the least. I'm really glad I didn't quit (like I wanted to) halfway through it.

  23. I watch these videos and I wonder on what galaxy this is true? Men talk a good game about wanting a lasting relationship and being willing to put in the time and work to make a relationship work, but then when it comes down to it they are really just saying what a woman wants to hear hoping that they can get her into bed. I've seen them attempt this time and time again. I personally think that dating sites have ruined any chances of men and women slowing down long enough to take the time to have a real relationship. It has become too easy to be serial daters and move from one to the next without ever going slow enough to get to know anyone. It has left the door wide open for what I call "Dixie Cup Relationships" where once used it's discarded for a new one. I personally am very disenchanted with the whole notion of relationships. I have almost arrived at a place where I feel there is no such thing any more and that it's best just to accept being alone. At least when it's just me and the dog nobody is disappearing, trying to get what I'm not ready to give or lying to me.

  24. Mat, why do I feel a sense of obligation in my relationship sometimes? Is that normal? It wasn't supposed to be pleasant?

  25. ciao Mat i love the sense of humor in your videos and the deep contents, Bravo! i am very proud of me for many things. I learnt to play an instrument to be able to accompagny myself singing (as it has allwas been a call for me). I learned italien very well even though i was past my 20s. I won the first prise of the decoration of the hospital wall where i work even though most of my colleges didnt have a inch of faith in what i was doing. I am proud of myself because i still fall in love even after so many break up in my life. I still choose to participate in this thing called life, giving the best i have to friend travellers and havent given up on learning to love myself deeply!

  26. I would love a list of good books you recommend 🙂 thank you again for the video and also I am looking forward to checking out that book.

  27. thank you,
    I dive deeper into the relationship, only God knows how much i care for the man, we met briefly on 1.Nov , and we keep in touch virtual because he travels almost daily around the world, he is beautiful,smart and funny, may God grant us one day together for real, to start of with ; )
    miracles happen

  28. My greatest accomplishment in my life would be the safety of me and my daughter. We are DV survivors and I was granted custody. I am getting back out into the dating world and I am looking deeper at people than I ever did. Our safety and our well-being is my top priority and means the world to me.

  29. Thank you so much for this, just what I need now. I should watch this video every day. Set finding love as a goal, believe it, see it, work for it, and I will achieve it!

  30. Matt, you are amazing! Thank you for every single video, I'm learning so much from you every day, and thanks to that every day I make my life and the life of my loved ones a little bit better. All the best and love to you!

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