The Kind of Story We Need Right Now: 82-year-old Bodybuilder Beat up Burglar

-I am going to tell you a story about a bodybuilder
in Rochester, New York, named Willie Murphy. A burglar broke
in to Willie’s house recently and Willie beat him up. Alright, fine. That’s what you would expect
a bodybuilder to do. But what if I told you
Willie Murphy is 82 years old? [ Cheering ]
And what if I told you Willie Murphy is a woman? [ Cheering ]
And what if I told you
this brings us to a segment called “The Kind of Story
We Need Right Now”? [ Bright theme plays ]
[ Cheering and applause ] This is Willie Murphy. [ Cheering intensifies ] [ Applause ] She was about to go
to bed one night when a man started pounding
on her front door, demanding to be let in,
so she called 911. But while she was waiting
for the police to arrive, he broke down her door
and barged in. What the man
didn’t realize, though, is that Willie Murphy works out. You’re probably thinkin’,
“Oh, that’s cute. She does water aerobics.” [ Laughter ]
[chuckling] No, son. Willie Murphy lifts weights
every day at the YMCA and she can deadlift 225 pounds. [ Cheering and applause ] 225 pounds! That’s me holding a microwave. [ Laughter and applause ] According to USA Today,
Willie can do one-handed pull-ups, one-handed push-ups, fingertip push-ups, [ Cheering ]
and the push-ups where you put your fingers
in a diamond formation and press your nose
all the way to the floor. You know what they call
those kinda push-ups? The burglar’s nightmare. [ Laughter, cheering,
and applause ] So how was she feeling as this burglar was prowling
around her house? -It’s kinda semi dark and I’m alone and I’m old. But guess what.
I’m tough. [ Cheering and applause ]
And you wanna know
what happened? He picked the wrong house
to break into. -This is the kind of story
we need right now. [ Cheering and applause ] 100%. [ Whistling ]
Most news stories make me
wanna jump off a bridge. This story makes me wanna
jump onto a bridge. Or whatever bull[bleep]
they do at Crossfit. [ Laughter ]
So, Willie — Willie’s hiding in her house and, when the burglar
comes near her, she grabs the closest thing
she can find to protect herself. A candlestick?
No. A rolling pin? No. A table. -I took that table and I went to workin’ on him. [ Laughter ]
And guess what. The table broke. [ Laughter ]
She picked up a table and “Went to work on him” [ Laughter ]
and the table broke. Most people her age
are breaking hips. She’s breaking tables! [ Cheering and applause ]
So Willie clobbers this man with a table.
What next? -I’m runnin’ in the kitchen. There’s a bottle of baby
shampoo on the table. I grab the shampoo
and guess what. He’s still on the ground. In his face, all of it. The whole thing. [ Laughter ]
-[laughing] She blinded him with shampoo. Americans spend
$11 billion a year on guns and it turns out all we needed was some Johnson & Johnson. [ Cheering and applause ] You know? You know what stops
a bad guy with a gun? Apparently, an old lady
with a table and some shampoo. [ Laughter and applause ]
So, after the shampoo, did Willie stop
and show the guy some mercy? She did not. -And I got the broom
and he’s pullin’ the broom. And I’m hittin’ him. I’m hittin’ him with the broom,
hittin’ him. -She kicked a man’s ass
with shampoo and a broom! I don’t know if she’s single, but I bet I know one guy
who’s interested. [ Laughter and applause ] So, finally, after all that, the police arrived and put
the burglar in a cop car. I’m just kidding.
He was hurt so badly, [laughing] they had to put him
in an ambulance. [ Laughter ]
-‘Cause I had really did a number on that man. [ Laughter ]
I’m serious! I think he was happy
when he went in the ambulance. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, no, I’m sure. I’m sure he was, until he told [laughing]
the paramedics what happened and they laughed so hard, they had to give
themselves oxygen. [ Laughter ]
Despite the fact that this burglar
was caught red-handed, Willie is not pressing charges. And of course not.
She’s too busy pressing [laughing] 225. -Ooh!
-Plus, she wants that man
roaming the streets so she can find him
and kick his ass again. [ Laughter ]
This is the kind of story
we need right now. In superhero stories,
women are usually insignificant side characters,
but in this story, Willie Murphy is the superhero. She saved the day
and she did it with a kind — a very kind — Christian attitude. -I said to myself,
“If it’s my time to go to hell, I’m takin’ him with me.” [ Cheering and applause ]
Merry, merry, Christmas. This has been “The Kind of Story
We Need Right Now.” ♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ]

99 thoughts on “The Kind of Story We Need Right Now: 82-year-old Bodybuilder Beat up Burglar

  1. โ€œI Think He Was Happy We He Went Into The Ambulanceโ€ ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

  2. Holy Shiitake….Grandma Beat Down A Crook With The Same Stuff I Use To Place My Food On, Wash My Toddler, And Clean My Floor!!
    Well Hot Damn My Home Is 100% Crook Proof Then Cause I Got Two Brooms, AND A Mop AND Two Tables AND Bottles And Bottles Of Johnsons Lavender Baby Shampoo Cause Thats The Only Soap My Daughter Can Use On Her Body That Has A Scent.
    You Go Wonder Woman, Beat Those Crooks Asses.
    And It Was Only Her Christianly Forgiveness That She Didnt Press Charges.
    Afterall I Think He Got The Message To Change His Ways, Especially With Everyone Knowing Who He Is Now.

  3. it's a cute story but it's obviously bullshit, a dude that can break down a door isn't getting his butt kicked by this little old lady.

  4. "I grabbed that table, and I went to workin' on him….."

    When that woman says clean the livingroom, by god you clean that damned livingroom NOW!!
    Doesn't matter if you live there or not……get cleaning, or she'll get to workin' on YOU…..

    She's 82 years old. She beat him with a table.

    A TABLE.

    Let that sink in for a minute….

    Jesus H Christ……..

  5. I know who we must send to the white house to handle that big spoiled baby in office! ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„

  6. Wait, so you were hitting him with the table, you then ran around the house, then got shampoo off the table? Sounds like to crack heads got into a fight.

  7. I love these segments, and I love Seth show. I think heโ€™s better than both of the Jimmyโ€™s and canโ€™t wait until he takes one of those spots. I am a huge Colbert fan but Seth is my favorite and this was great, definitely a story I need it right now. Thank you and just keep doing what youโ€™re doing man your shows are great!

  8. I heard this last night; it was great. The only thing that beats a man with a gun, is an intelligent woman with brains! BAMM!

  9. Watch Why are you here by Machine Gun Kelly new video Lyrics on this youtube channel and don't forget to subscribe,click on the link below its a new song,check out on my youtube channel

  10. Nope, this wasn't the story I needed. I needed one that tells me how it is okay to feel exhausted all day and having gained 5 pounds before christmas even began.

  11. What we need is a crossover story featuring her and the cheerleader who jump from the moving platform to save choking kid!

  12. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘
    Bestessssesss story everโค๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘Š

  13. Besides the table and broom, she jump on him, too๐Ÿ˜… ๐Ÿคฃ

    Full story:

  14. I have been to Rochester – a very strange place but if it has more pensioners like that 82 year old lady I am not surprised the centre of town is deserted after 6pm (and not that busy before 6pm either!)

  15. ๐ŸŽตHis neck, his back, the burglar got his ass whooped like that๐ŸŽต… by grandma Willie, that is. Go 'head with yo bad self!!! I Can't even carry bags of groceries to my third floor apartment like I used to.

  16. Go Willie! We are so proud to have her as a member of our Y! โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’ช

    It is a blessing that she was here with us safe the next day laughing as she shared her story.

  17. "I picked up that table, and I went to workin" on him, and it broke!!" ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘ Yes Ma'am!!!!!

  18. Ohhh YEAAAH! This story got me pumped, and I was kind of tuckered out and ready to go to bed, but now I'm feeling amped and ready to kick some burglar's ass, except I would be much more timid about it then Granbo here.

    Seriously, she deserves a salute from the marine corp, or even be invited to join the marines!

    Bless her bad-ass heart!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *