THE GYM (Do’s & Don’ts #4)
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Sup girl. Sup girl. Sup SHUT UP Cartoons Ah, the gym. Nature’s largest fun
house mirror. Choose your avatar. Initiating simulation. Wassup bro! Nice choice, Jimmy. You’ve picked
the “Bro,” aka the “Douche.” Though a word literally referring
to a post menstrual vaginal cleansing device, the similarities
between the two are quite remarkable. I just wanna blast my pecs,
broseph. Need that crease. And although you sit just above
“Crazy-eyed sex offender” on the likability scale, you’re an
integral piece of the social puzzle. I just need 6 pieces in this
puzzle, bro. Mirror break! Being a successful Bro is about
confidence and disregard. Style is key. If you’d wear it to a club to
fist pump, by all means wear it to muscle pump. It takes me 3 hours to look this
fresh, coach broheim. When greeting peers… DO: Greet
with a fist bump. Gersploosh! DON’T: Greet with eye contact. I don’t need eyes when I can look
at boobs, bro beans. DO: Live every moment like you’re
walking away from an epic explosion. DON’T: Do this to get away from a
real explosion. Mirror break! It’s always important to remember
that beauty is pain. My bikini waxer reminds me of that
every month, brosario Dawson. But fortunately, as a Bro, your
workout won’t have much of that. I can still make faces to look like
it hurts though, bro hammer. Science has no place in a Bro’s
workout. Anything you see in a magazine is perfect. Magazine workouts for a magazine
body, brah. Rest periods are determined by how
long you can stare at the mirror without blinking. If I don’t keep checking on these
abs they might go away, brolo. Rest periods may also be used to
shadow box, as this carries a double bonus. “I can kick the mother f___ing s__t
out of you.” “I can defend the mother f___ing
s__t out of you. Come ask me about it.” Yeah I like to get my knuckle
sandwich on. I’ve watched enough UFC and Van Damme to pretty much be
a pro fighter. As if you couldn’t tell by my Tap Out shorts. Mirror break! As a creature of aesthetic, bonds
with other Bros have elevated levels of intimacy, effectively
blurring the line between gigolo and gigolomosexual. Sup! Heeeeeey! Saunas are a great way to get that
glossy look while you develop those bonds. Hey bro, no homo but your junk
looks dope in those shorts. All female patrons are fair game.
After all, everybody wants a piece of you. Sup girl. Sup girl. Sup girl.
How about you get up on these genetics and burn some extra
calories? Mirror break! It’s been an extremely productive
four hours. Where has the time gone, bro?! But now it’s time to leave. After
all, these clubs aren’t going to promote themselves! Bottle service at NASDAQ! Guest
list only. No dudes! Well done, bro. Everyone will like
you forever.

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