– [Dunk] Here I go, for the speedrun. Of course that is-
That’s some video game lingo. Uh… What “Speed Run” means to videogamers is that the character moves three times faster than he’s supposed to. That’s what that means. Okay.
I’m seeing a guy down here… Let’s- Actually, I’ll be right back. Just gotta get the stealth kill on that guy… Okay, I’m back. Who did that? Who keeps throwing those? Who keep-? Who keeps-?
(Laughs) Who keeps throwing a hundred pots at you?
(Laughing) Who’s doing that? Heh? Who do you-?
Who’s doing that? Where is he? Here I am! I did that! It was me! Fellas!
Fel-! Come on! I’m just here for the boss. This is-
This is unnecesary! This is completely unnecessary! I’m just here to see- You know what?
That’s not a problem! I’m just here to kill the boss. That’s it!
That’s all I- I’ll hit ’em with a couple of these… A couple of these… You know what I’m sayin’? Hit ’em with some of these… Boom! And that’s it!
And that’s all I’m here to do. You guys- You guys have been incredible! Uh… I’m gonna have to go now… I have the jewel… I was just here for the jewel, to be honest. Uh, thank you for that shot! Thank you for the incredible shot! Uh… Now- Now, who do we have here? Franklin?!
You’ve been working on that hit?! Ho ho ho! You’ve been working out here! Alright, Franklin!
I’ll see you guys later! These guys are just incredible!
Incredible guys-! Here we go! One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Oh… Come on…
(raspy voice) Okay, Wolverine… You go! Your turn! My turn! [ ♪ “NBA JAM SELECT R-MIX (2018)” ♪ ] (music stops) Good fight! Now, I’m going for the slowrun. This is the- It’s like the opposite of the speedrun. You turn it way- You turn your speed way down! I gotta get this healing gourd off. Just drink the-
Drink the-! God! (Laughs) (Coughs) Oh, fuck! No, no, no, no! Okay! I can still block someone. Now… I gotta get in for one of- I gonna get- Jesus Christ… I gotta- Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! Woo. Okay! Heh! Heh! Okay, I hit ’em once! (Evil laugh) The fucking monkey part! At last! I shall have my revenge! Vrooooooom! Shit! Shit! (Imitating the sound of a sport car accelerating) Get the fuck over there, monkey! (Imitating the sound of a car again) Where you at, fucking monkeys?! Think you’d beat me this time?! Heh?! Think you can fucking-! (Chuckle) There he is! Where are you going?!
Huh?! Where the fuck-?! (Laughs) Goddamn monkey! -right, Dickhead! Rematch! Jesus- C’mon! You’ll never touch-! (mumbling) Bitch! Fuckin’ shit! Suck my-! Fucking Donkey Kong piece of shit! Throw doodoo at me?! You wanna throw doodoo at me?! I’ll cut your goddamn head off!
I don’t even gotta be up there! Now, get back up!
See what happens! Now, on a good speedrun you gotta go for stealth. Check th- Check this out! This is a ste- That’s- That’s exactly how you should sneak up on somebody, to do it right. But somehow everybody knows… Uh-oh. (Laughs)
This guy- – [That guy] I know. – [Dunk] He says he knows… but I don’t know if he knows. See, I’m- I’m doing this right here, right in front of his face… just, bl- blatantly, right here… He actually- It looked like he saw it for a second… but no.
I guess- Okay. Does he see-?
He sees that! He sees that! Okay! Okay, we got- (Laughs) We got some- (Laughs) We got some more guys here now. Oh!
Now, you see that guy? That guy shooting at me? He knows!
He knows I’m here… but this guy?
He doesn’t know! Now, the-
Oh- ah- They don’t- Okay.
Now, he- He’s still- This guy-
They don’t know. They don’t know that I stabbed that guy! They still don’t get that. The guy shooti-
He still knows! The shooting guy still knows! These guys don’t know. They-
They’re- They’re more scared of the shooting guy than me, honestly. Now, if they can get close enough to the ledge here… I can do the, uh… Here we go! See, this guy still doesn’t know. That guy still knows, this guy doesn’t know. He’s coming up to the- Heh!
That didn’t work. Alright, got-
(Laughs) It’s time for the boss fight. You guys ready?! Here we go! Good fight! Now, the next guy is tough. The shield guy! This guy! This guy is a fucking dickhead! Look at this! See what I’m sayin’? See?
You can’t eve- See- See what I’m say- ? Can’t even hit ’em! Can’t even hit the- I mean, he’s dead now… but that took a while! [OUTRO]