Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Black Conservative Running for Congress, United Methodist Church

-Here at “Late Night,” every
night, I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written
by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that due to my being
a straight white male would be difficult
for me to deliver, but we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them. So we’d like to share them
with you now in a segment called
“Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -These are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny, everybody. -I’m black. -And I’m gay. -And we’re both women. -And I am not. So, here’s how this works. I’m gonna read
the setups to these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. So here we go. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe
recently appeared on the cover
of “Sports Illustrated” wearing a dress
and holding a sledgehammer. -A dress and a sledgehammer, or as lesbians call it,
“business casual.” [ Laughter ] -A black conservative
running for Congress is describing himself as a
“Trump-supporting, gun-owning, liberty-loving, pro-life, politically incorrect
black man.” -Or if that’s too long, you can just go with
“incorrect black man.” [ Laughter ] -The new movie “Star Wars:
The Rise of Skywalker” features a lesbian kiss. -And for most woman,
so does college. [ Laughter ] -Facebook has developed an app that uses facial recognition
software to identify people. -And it really works. Take it from me, Leslie Jones. [ Laughter ] -True story? -True story! Sorry, Facebook.
You tagged the wrong person. [ Laughter ] -The United Methodist Church
announced they will be splitting in two, and one half will now allow
same-sex marriage. -The other half will have
a terrible choir. [ Laughter ] Hey, Seth. What do you call
a straight choir? -What?
-Off-key. -Mm.
[ Laughter ] -Hey, Seth.
What do call a white choir? -What’s that?
-Off-beat. -Okay.
[ Laughter ] The governor of Wisconsin
signed a bill that allows kids to sell
Kool-Aid without a permit. -But are cops still gonna hassle
black kids selling Kool-Aid? [ As Kool-Aid Man ] “Oh, yeah.” [ Laughter ] -And now, Amber,
have the cops ever hassled you? -[ As Kool-Aid Man ] Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ] -The New Jersey Devils — The New Jersey Devils
hockey team recently hosted an LGBTQ pride night. -“I hope they get in a fight,” said the players
about the lesbians. [ Laughter ] -The website Lifehacker
recently posted an article titled, “Buy Your White Kid
a Black Doll.” -Actually, the full title
of the article is, “Buy Your White Kid
a Black Doll, But Watch What They Do With It.” [ Laughter ] -Hey, Seth.
Why don’t you tell one? -Oh, gosh.
I don’t think I should. -Come on, Seth. Just one. -I feel like if I do one of
these, it’s not gonna end well. -Aww, please. -Oh, okay. I trust you. You are my friends. [ Laughter ] NASA has announced that it wants to put a female
astronaut on the moon by 2024 so she can decorate it. [ Light laughter ] -How dare you! -You told me it would be okay! Black women and lesbians
are liars! ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] We’ll be right back
with more “Late Night.”

100 thoughts on “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Black Conservative Running for Congress, United Methodist Church

  1. You heard it here first folks, Seth says black women and lesbians are liars. I'm so outrageously outraged that I can't even for the life of me control myself in the slightest! I mean of all the … is that a peanut? Oh. It is a peanut! Wait… look at that! There's a whole bunch of honey roasted peanuts in this bowl! That's the worlds favourite peanut you know. In fact … what's that? Outrage? What would I be outraged abo… OH YEAH! Oh… that Meyers. He better… something or other. Forget it dude. Peanuts.

  2. Oh Seth. Why do you allways fell for these. You should know by Now not to trust Black Women nor lesbians. 😋😉

  3. Lefties are racist. Do they really think there no Latino, African conservative? Go to south America or Africa, there are milion of conservative people. Lmao🤔🤦😂😂

  4. they want treated equal
    and then amber pulls that stuff
    my god woman
    do you really have zero clue… yuk, and thumbs down… tired of you, grow up child

  5. That was probably the dumbest set of jokes ever.The audience laughed because they're suppose to but none of these jokes were funny.I laughed harder at a Trump speech

  6. A passionate struggle for power does not justify the weakening of our institutions of government. Checks and balances has become a bar brawl. The average Joe or Josephine realizes that he or she isn't represented in Washington. Where are these idiots trying to take us?

  7. What do you call a group of black guys in a radio shack? White people can't dance!

    Mine didn't work. Get some chick to say it. 🙂

  8. I really only ever watch this for the "black women and lesbians are liars!" LOL! Completely blows up the premise of why he brings them on!

  9. Seth totally could have told most of those jokes. Not that any of them were particularly funny, anyway, but they were all fairly "G-Rated."

  10. I've never seen anyone able to pack more sass into a look than Amber or more innuendo into a smirk than Jenny. They really are some of my favorite people. I wish we got to see more of them!

  11. The moon joke wasn't very good. They should have done something about moon phases and menstrual cycles or something instead.

  12. Wait …. Seth can't make jokes about black people or lesbians because he isn't black or a lesbian BUT Amber can make a white joke?

    Isn't the point of the segment that there are certain jokes you can't make due to your identity?

    Big Seth fan but this appears so contradictory.

  13. Seriously that Amber girl may write good jokes but they aren't funny when she puts her own thoughts to words I'm sure she doesn't care because she gets paid good money , but money is not everything to me , I live to laugh and smile , the black girl does not make me do either unless Seth is reading her jokes

  14. "I trust you, you're my friends" lmaooooo. I love this segment, everyone is delightful. Amber's 'watch what they do with it' line is very sadly true.

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